Better.

Thank you for reading.  Thank you for responding.  I'm sorry that so many of you have also endured similar pain but this is the essential nexus.  The human condition and connection.  I feel safe sharing my experience because it is also your experience.  I feel safe sharing because I have love and friendship that supports me and makes my shitty days bearable. 

Better is something I become everyday.  I do feel as though I have the opportunity to reconstruct myself in the manner that is my own truth. 

Read Jung, Man and His Symbols.  When a human being goes through extraordinary suffering some surface into a the 'true self.'  Every thing that was is broken down into nothing because nothing is the same.  Your subconscious emerges and shakes hands with your conscious.  You lose your mind.  You are forced to share a room with your all of the trauma that you have blocked for your entire lifetime.  It sits there staring at you until you can specifically name every pore on its face, every wrinkle and every vein on its leg. 

That varicose is My mother's car accident when I was 10

That pimple scar is from the bi-polar teacher that humiliated me in front of the entire class.

That dark circle under my eye is from the physical abuse.

That scar on my knee is from the time that my mother tried to set herself on fire.

That wrinkle on my chin is from preschool when the little blond girls forced me to dress up like a lion while they costumed as princess. 

Etc., etc.

You sit there and are forced to inspect.  You are repulsed that its you and your pain but slowly you come to terms with it all and you find a calmness.  Less anger.  You can acknowledge and identify how you feel while you're feeling it.  You stop worrying and fantasizing about the terrible things that can happen because they already did.  Your imagination opens up into this beautiful unreality where anything is possible.  An altered state of sorts. 

I spent the last 4 months day dreaming about wonderful things that could happen for me.   That's a new concept.  Initially I thought I was going cray because I didn't understand how my brain was operating. It kept me going.  I was depressed but still hopeful.  Truth is, my mind had to change paths or the results could be devastating.

I ain't no shrink but I think this is what's happening.

Point being, I feel ok.  Better everyday.  No worries...

I'm still hilariously funny and I still enjoy laughing at you, so that's good.  My name has the word 'Ha' in it for God's sake.   

Now if I can just figure out what to do with the rest of my life. 

Actor
Photographer
Middle Management in the Restaurant business
TV Host
Bartender
Lover
Blogger Extraordinaire!

If the results matched the outcome of last weeks interviews and auditions, it looks as though the fortune that I've spent on my degrees and conservatory have gone to waste and I am just another actor/artist casualty committing to the restaurant industry for the finality of my days.  uggh.  

Thanks again and keep the emails and comments coming.  Your experience is not for naught.  Use the beautiful and kind words that you have offered me to encourage and love yourselves.  I will continue to write as long as you continue to read.

I am the Lion. 
They knew it all along.